Pardon me, but is that a pop-up on your Home Page, or are you just happy to be annoying the hell out of me?
If your website has a Pop-Up ad, Pop-Over ad, Pop-Under ad, Pop-After ad, Pop-During ad, Auto-Expand and Push the Page Down While I’m Reading ad, Float Across the Screen Obscuring What I Want to Read ad, an Audio Blaring Instant Start ad, Elusive & Mind-Numbingly Maneuvering ads that I must click to close or any other frivolous, bandwidth-sucking, eye-melting, ear-bleeding and downright annoying ads that scream MySpace or MTV on Meth, then I will not only never ever ever click on these ads or buy anything they’re selling – to include the last liter of breathable oxygen on this Wall Street Wal-Martified planet – but you can rest assured that I will absolutely never come back to your cheap used car salesman website, again, nor purchase anything you, personally, might be trying to shovel in my direction.
You have nothing I need or desire and a huge helping of everything I loathe.
I’m all for commerce and hawking your wares or promoting others, but is this in-your-face, “Hey, Mister, Hey, Mister, wanna buy some Viagra!” pop-up crap really workin’ for ya? Are you getting rich? Some extremely frustrated folks might be accidentally clicking on these ads just to get rid of them so they can find your contact button and send you a piece of their mind, assuming anything’s left after being pummeled senseless by your endless ad attacks.
What is the click-through rate on those fresh piles of dog shit dotting the landscape in your not-so-pretty park? Does Google Analytics tally your site by the pop-up or the poop bag? I hope it’s not paying off for you because it encourages others to continue using them. Keep popping up in my face and I’m going to Lorena Bobbit your hard drive.
I say it makes no AdSense at all. Yeah, yeah, you have to pay the bills to keep the electricity on and the hamster wheel spinning so the server won’t crash in the midst of your next bid on eBay for the slightly soiled Michael Jackson glove that was only worn once – for what, we’re not sure, but it’s being sold by Elizabeth Taylor, so it’s a must-have Hollyweird score you just gotta possess. Hurry, before DameElizabeth Twitters in her own eBid upon realizing that she can’t part with the last memento of the Gloved One’s sequined psychoses. She’ll just have to find another way to pay for those weekly Botox treatments.
I’m sure there are plenty of reasons to click away from my own site, but why would I want to obviously annoy you by lighting the tail of a rabid ad weasel and let it out of its cage, during your visit, to scramble, wretch, puke, claw and cackle, plus rototiller your ankles as the vile viral varmint shreds your eyeballs from their sockets while setting all of the furniture on fire? Imagine if Jim Carrey and the Tasmanian Devil had a love child . . . this is my worst pop-up nightmare.
That’s right, kiddies, it’s the Amazing Wrongo eMarketeer! Just when you thought it was safe to click on that website, looking for the All-American classic summertime food, folks and fun recipe – Backyard BBQ Beer Belly Charbroil Burgers. Boy, they’re good! – and you’re starting to drool with anticipation, but uh-oh, suddenly some sneaky, slimey, surreptitious sales son-of-a-pitchman has gone and popped up on your monitor like your new girlfriend’s too-friendly rottweiler that just wants to hump your leg the first time you meet her dad. Ouch, that’s awkward.Kinda hard to get around that.
Heh-heh, down boy. Good boy. No, no, that’s okay, no really, stop! Stop now, get down. Just tryin’ to . . . whoa whoa, now, you really need to let this guy outside once in awhile. Boy, he’s a sniffer, ain’t he? Hey! No teeth. Britney, stop giggling. You know I hate that. Uh, no sir, I mean – I was just . . .
You were just trying to read a recipe when your monitor was hijacked and now all you want to do is read someone the riot act. The reason websites and eMarketeers can get away with this pop-up crap, at least for awhile, is you can’t slap ‘em silly or give them the evil eye as they approach you in their virtual store like you can at the brick-and-mortar mall when some over zealous salesperson laser targets your penny-pinching posterior – the one that can clip the head off of Lincoln with that “I’m only looking” walk as you saunter down the aisles between today’s latest shipment of DKNY and Gucci.
Of course, that’s for you ladies. Now, should I be accosted in the Sears Tool Department in a similarly unwelcomed pop-up fashion as I’m perusing the latest Craftsmen forged steel collection, I guarantee that I will test the alloy metal on that new 10-inch Beak Jaw wrench and over-torque someone’s nuts.
As much as I love the internet, I abhor many ad campaigns and the people who wield them like a broadsword in a knitting contest. Pop-ups are unpleasant, unwelcomed and get in the way of good communication. No one wants to be jumped the instant they walk into a store. Shoppers don’t like lurking salespeople who linger one aisle over ready to pounce. If your customers are that stupid or so easily swayed towards the impulse buy, then they will probably try to make the online purchase with their library card, anyway.
Pop-ups, like Pop Tarts, might be sickeningly sweet for a moment, sitting well in your wallet, but they get stale real fast and are not all that healthy for your business, no matter how much you think they’re adding to your bottom line. Oh, they might be padding it some, but I say you lose more customers than you close. You’ll lose me, every time.
As long as you pop-up, I’ll pop off about it. Keep your pop-up out of my face or I’ll keep my wallet in its place. Whether it’s a guy on a date, hoping to get around all the bases, or me just minding my own business while checking out yours, no always means no – no matter how excited, drooling or anxious you are to show me your goods. Just say no to pop-ups. And stop slobbering on my computer screen.
Remember, you should never let a rude pop-up come between you and your guest . . . unless he’s dating your daughter.
The Kat
Comments on this entry are closed.