Slate Magazine, today, transposed photos and headlines, I believe. The picture of John McCain should be above the story with the headline I’m Having a Problem with My Ass and the donkey photo should be above the story: John McCain’s Dick Cheney Impersonation.
To be more like the Vice-President, the Arizona Senator and presidential wannabe will need a googledrupal heart bypass – preferably with a new peacemaker installed. It is evident to the world that Big Dick’s heart was bypassed long ago, but for Big Bad John to be exactly like our nation’s Number Two, whom I affectionately refer to as Mr. Doody Head, he’ll also require the essential brain bypass surgery.
Mr. Doody Head
I’m thinking about licensing Mr. Doody Head to Hasbro, if I can get Big Dick to sign a release. My trademark and patent attorney is still waiting on a call from the White House. Also, there seems to be some grumbling by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, creators of South Park, about copyright infringement regarding their poopular Christmas character Mr. Hankey.
Hmm, there is an uncanny resemblance.
This could be my Star Wars ka-ching moment. Mr. Doody Head action figures! Unlike Mr. Potato Head – a bland but goofy character – Mr. Doody Head would be a high-powered CEO who dreams of running the world, but he has shit for brains (TP sold separately). He’s a fantasy figure, of course. We would market Mr. Doody Head to five-year-olds who are not potty-trained and still sling their shit around like monkeys swinging on vines.
Mr. Doody Head would drive a stretch Hummer limo with a roof-mounted M270 multiple rocket launcher, live in a white Ivory Tower and have attachable body parts, as well, which will teach the kids about anatomy.
Don’t worry, moms and dads, Mr. Doody Head isn’t completely anatomically correct. Our engineering elves all laughed at the big dick attachment – even though it symbolized so much – and said the toy would require an even fatter head to properly balance such a long schlong; something about physics. Besides, the packing and shipping costs would kill us.
However, we remembered that our brilliant idea is called Mr. Doody Head and decided to focus above the Beltway. This squishy, smirking charmer has a fat head for little chubby fingers to better grasp its slimey pate. His pop-on nose is pointy, his little beady eyes are squinty, his ears drip a smelly brown goo and his scowl is painted on at the factory and cannot be removed. Sorry, kids, but Mr. Doody Head is serious business.
Speaking of serious business, Mr. Doody Head doubles as a toilet bowl brush. That’s right, parents can get in on the fun, too! Attach the fuzzy toupee and full beard to the sticky surface – Warning: Remove Mr. Doody Head’s other facial features, first – and you’re ready to clean under the rim of your reading room’s regal throne. There’s nothing better than plopping down to savor the latest Middle East news without the stench of old shit wafting up to ruin the sanctity of your peaceful literary hour.
Wait a minute, what am I thinking? How crass of me to drift off into My Own Private Haliburton where I was, momentarily, hearing only Toyland’s praise and the incessant ringing of registers – not bombs – while cashing in on other people’s misery and suffering. Yet, I am truly not like that, for I cannot profit from others’ pain like some cold, calloused, heartless buffoon. ‘Tis time to flush my golden dreams of Mr. Doody Head down the drain and wash my hands of such odorous excrement.
Snapping back to reality – McCain’s recent visit to Baghdad’s wholesale Shorja market to show the surge as successful – and buy a $60 rug – has to be one of the more pathetic attempts by this ex-prisoner of war to prove he’s made of the right stuff. Barack Obama weighed in on it, as well:
“The idea that the situation in Iraq is improving because it takes a security detail of 100 soldiers, three Black Hawk helicopters and a couple of Apache gunships to walk through a market in the middle of Baghdad is simply not credible and not reflective of the facts on the ground,” Obama said in a taped interview broadcast as part of the forum sponsored by MoveOn.org.
I predict, right now, that McCain has a turdball’s chance in my toilet of becoming president. However, I never would have believed that Bush & Company could be elected, either, much less reelected. Just in case, I’m working on a Big Bad John talking hand puppet to be marketed to right-wing zealots, special interests and lobbyists, only.
You’ll be able to stick your hand up his ass and make him dance, sing or do whatever dog and pony show amuses you. Pull the string on his back and release it as you say whatever you’d like to hear Big Bad John spout and out it comes verbatim – your message delivered in his voice – like magic! Faded War Hero ribbons sold separately.
Note to self: Contact Jimmy Dean the Sausage King for release of the Big Bad John moniker . . . and a case of breakfast links.
The Kat
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