Eye of Newt

“Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,
Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting,
Lizard’s leg, and howlet’s wing, –
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.”

- William Shakespeare, 1564 – 1616 A.D.

From Macbeth (IV, i, 14-15); written circa 1604 A.D.

Confession is good for the soul. Calculated confession at a time and place that best serves the soul — and the world be damned — is merely convenient rhetorical spin from your typical hypocritical and self-serving politician who is contemplating another run at public office. But what’s new? Or, should I say, “What’s Newt smoking?”

Georgian Newt Gingrich is the epitome of a good ol’ Southern boy’s version of right-wing Christian conservatism, which is sending America to hell in a handbasket – at least in the way it’s being religiously practiced by the present administration. Maybe Bush and his team’s copy of the Contract with America had a few typos or misspellings, because it has seemed more like a Contract on America these past eight years and the crosshairs are trained on all dissenters.

As The Newt contemplates a 2008 bid for the Republican presidential nomination, he has just now decided to confess to grievous sins committed – yet, conveniently omitted – during his disingenuous days as leader of the pack of wild mongrels crying “Impeachment!” while trying to tree the wiley Clinton over the “wink wink, nudge nudge” in the Oral Office, uh, Oval Orifice. Whatever, it was just a minor slip of the tongue, Monica.

It seems The Newt’s been naughty, but what wasn’t so nice about it – beyond the pain caused to his wife, at the time, and their respective families and friends – was that he growled like a junk yard dog to the American people about the heinous and immoral character of Bill Clinton. Huh? While trying to probe Bill’s chunky McNugget ass out of the presidential Barcalounger, Newt was busy shtupping someone throughout the whole impeachment proceedings – and it wasn’t the woman he was married to, at that time. Now, Georgia Boy, that dog won’t hunt.

And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother’s eye.

- King James Bible, Luke Chapter 6, Verses 41 – 42

Of course, Jerry Falwell has chimed in, saying that Newt has admitted to him his moral shortcomings, but let’s not even waste time on Falwell, if you don’t mind. That’s like saying Britney Spears confessed to Paris Hilton about not wearing any panties.

Politics ain’t pretty and someone’s going to get screwed, no matter what their religious or political persuasion. God said, “Be fruitful and multiply . . .” not “See how many y’all can screw,” but America has so separated church and state that there is little goodness emanating from the land of ilk and honey, these days. The entertainment factor would be wonderful if the fate of the country wasn’t at stake. Sadly, I’ve been hearing for years, now, the sorry strains of Nero tuning his fiddle.

There will always be cocksuckers in government, but if I had my druthers, they’d be staining blue dresses in private rather than the American flag in public with the blood of young men and women – knowing no better – who are all too quick to fight and die for certain sanctimonious psychopaths’ self-righteous zealotry. Hmm, please explain to me, again, the difference between Al Qaida and the Bush Administration.

This, I find hard to swallow. Remember, boys and girls, you don’t have to swallow, every time – unless you just love murder and mayhem and are masochistically inclined. It’s patriotic to question and, when necessary, defy your government’s mendaciousness, hypocrisy and stupidity. I am of the people, by the people and for the people – not the people’s government, especially now.

Frankly, if I may be so blunt, whether you’re straight, gay, wild or tame, I think most people are tired of the egregious ass and face-fucking they’ve been getting since the Right-wing Religious Revolution & Revival of 1994. After Ted Haggarty, Newt Gingrich or Bill Clinton, isn’t it time for a few good men and women – with real morals, ethics and family values – to finally lead this country off its present path to hell?

You cannot call yourself a Christian, if you believe that killing people can be justified in any way. Otherwise, you’re a hypocrite. If you are a “Christian” and you support the Bush administration, then you are a hypocrite or an idiot and a fool. True Christians should be the first to slap down Bush and his cronies. You people make my ass twitch.

It’s absurd to expect any human to be a saint, but can’t we, at least, find one honest politician with feet of clay, who’s neither a right or left-wing self-anointed extremist and partisan wonk? America would benefit greatly from either more parties or no parties. The current system is broken, assuming it ever worked, and it’s filled with doddering old fools who only appear to be bi-partisan. No matter which side you’re on or who’s holding the reins of power, this stagecoach is heading towards the edge of the mother of all abysses.

Now, I’m not a rabid Clinton fan. Slick Willy is a politician, first and foremost, and that places him, automatically, near the bottom of the food chain in my jungle. However, he is most notorious for having the audacity to drop his pants in the White House so an intern could polish the presidential knob, which can be ignored and even understood, perhaps, once you study the cold, calculating personae of his charming wife.

On the other hand, the present Commandant-in-Chief sat silently at Booker Elementary for seven strategic minutes, blinking like Bambi in the headlights of an oncoming 757 just moments before, during and after the impact of 9/11 – waiting . . . waiting . . . and waiting to be presidential.

Do the math. Assuming you’re not some frigid, frightened fop, would you prefer a three-minute blowjob (at best) where no one dies – or seven minutes of strained silence as thousands are burning, falling and being crushed to death under the too towering weight of pompous circumstances?

As America stumbled down the Rose Garden path of a president personally guided by his gung ho god, hundreds of thousands more were and are being killed, wounded and displaced in Iraq as our morally bankrupt administration just zips up its pants and walks away from the bruised, bleeding and dismembered constituency left lying upon the floor – used, abused, and shell-shocked. How does it feel to be an accessory to rape and murder? And you wonder why Iran would want a nuclear weapon. Duh.

The Republicans screamed for impeachment of that Little Rock Devil with a blue dress stain when one Hint from Heloise would have been a better remedy. It was just a little jism for Christ’s sake, but they wanted to screw him royally. Yet, before the dust settled in New York, their servile Stepford minions hauled tons of tainted steel away from ground zero as quickly as they could. Now, that just doesn’t add up. Methinks there’s something rotten in the swamp of Washington, but this stench is hardly news, especially if you lean towards conspiratorial views.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell that I’ll ever be elected to public office, not that I want or intend to ever run, especially after anyone reads my blog. Maybe this is an insurance policy against any of my ego’s designs on righting the perceived wrongs that I see at the core of the American capitol.

None of us is perfect and I don’t care to remember where the bodies are buried, much less dig up the skeletons and bleach the bones or cremate them to eradicate all evidence of DNA and foul play. I find telling the truth is easier, in the long run. It helps me sleep better, at least. I’m not sure that there would be any comfort, now, in hearing Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld or any of the neocon cabal confess to how stupid and wrong they were to chart the Iraqi course. Of course, that will never happen.

Therefore, in the spirit of truth, justice and the American way, I’ll not simply cast alleged stones of aspersion upon the fucktards representing our present and reprehensible plutocratic oligarchy, but I’ll come clean, as well. Hell, I may want to be president, someday, and I’d like to go on record, now, as informing the public of my imperfections.

Here, without extensive details, are some confessions of The Kat:

• I cheated on my wife when I was young, dumb and feeling trapped.
• I committed adultery many times with many women for many reasons.
• I’ve never smoked pot, but I’ve had a contact buzz at parties.
• I dropped one tab of Ecstasy in ‘95. Hey, it was San Francisco.
• I have been drunk off my ass, before – and driven home. Stupid.
• I had to file bankruptcy a few years after my divorce.
• I’ve intentionally not paid some bills or debts, including child support. I was pissed.
• My use of the F-word is ubiquitous. I make Blue Velvet look like The Little Mermaid.

Yes, Joe Pesci and Quentin Tarantino are embarrassed to hang out with me, but I’m not apologizing and I won’t lose any sleep if you don’t invite me over for dinner, shake my hand or let me kiss your baby. There are not enough pixels or petabytes on the internet to accommodate all of my confessions, but that’s not the point. I don’t mind being truthful and baring my soul. Why? I’m selfish. It’s far better for my soul, if I just come clean. O.J. might want to read this.

Whether it’s Clinton shuffling his feet and refusing to, initially, come clean – though it didn’t seem to be much of a problem with Monica – or Scooter Libby’s recent rounds with the courts, it’s obvious that an honest politician is a rarity and, usually, occurs only after much public humiliation or a preponderance of evidence against them.

I can’t help visualizing the Grinch every time I read or hear Newt’s name, no matter how his Dutch family roots pronounce it. If he wants to come clean, so be it, but it seems a bit late for honesty, now, especially in light of the hypocritical tone and actions of his rabid attacks on Clinton during that administration. Please keep these things in proper perspective: Clinton may have gotten a little splooge on an intern’s dress, but Bush has the blood of thousands on his hands and it’s drenching the American flag to the point of saturation, whereby the field of blue stars and individual stripes may become lost, forever.

When will Americans tire of seeing the blood of their sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers dripping from the self-inflicted wounds made by a swaggering eagle addled by hubris and home-spun intelligence? Americans should be seething and seeing red, all right, but not the right-wing hues and cries of those too fattened at the conservative trough on a mixture of self-righteous fear, propaganda and downright lies.

I’m not running for office and I’ve yet to start running for the border, but it’s high time that the American people wake the fuck up and start holding Washington accountable for all it’s wrought. Vote with your wallet or your feet, but vote in a manner that these fucktards can finally hear. Otherwise, you’re an accomplice to the Decline and Fall of the Great American Empire, which may not be a bad idea, after all.

The Kat