In today’s News & Views:
Acworth, GA – Police have arrested the Barbie Bandits, a bank teller and another man. Two teenage girls were caught on bank surveillance video, laughing and wearing only sunglasses to mask their masterful criminal intellect.
Ashley Miller and Heather Johnston, both 19, and Benny Herman Allen III, 22, were charged with felony theft and marijuana possession, according to Cobb County Police spokeswoman Cassie Reece. Michael Chastang, 27, also was arrested and charged with felony theft and drug trafficking.
- Drugs make you do stupid shit.
Canberra, Australia – A fisherman fueled by vodka caught a 4-foot shark and wrestled it onto a jetty on Australia’s south coast, suffering only small tear marks in his trousers. Phillip Kerkhof, 41, caught the bronze whaler shark by hand after he spotted it chasing squid lures near the jetty at the tiny seaside town of Louth Bay in the South Australia state.
“I just snuck up behind him and, eventually, I went for the big grab and I fluked it and got him,” Kerkhof told Australian Broadcasting Corp.
The area near Louth Bay around the southern tip of South Australia’s Eyre Peninsula is well known for sharks and live shark action for the 1975 movie Jaws was filmed nearby. Kerkhof, who said he had “a fair few vodkas” before he went fishing, said he only realized the danger of his actions the following day.
“It’s not something I’d recommend to do,” he said. “When I sobered up I thought about it and I said, ’I’m a bit of an idiot doing it’.”
- Vodka makes you do stupid shit. Tequila – really stupid shit!
San Francisco, CA- A jury convicted a San Francisco man of murdering his mother by beating and strangling her with wooden nunchucks, according to District Attorney Kamala Harris. Carlos Ramos, 27, was arrested at 4 am on Jan. 20, 2006, after his brother found the body of their mother, 48-year-old Daysi Jiron in the Mission District apartment Ramos shared with her. Court documents show Ramos admitted to being high on cocaine the night his mother was killed.
He reportedly entered his mother’s bedroom, early in the morning, complaining of difficulty breathing. Ramos showed his mother his drug paraphernalia and told her he was on drugs. When his mother tried to leave the apartment, Ramos, reportedly suspecting she was going to call the police, threw his mother on the floor, beating and strangling her until she died according to court records cited by the district attorney.
- Drugs make you do stupid shit.
Long Island, NY- Police called to a Long Island man’s house discovered the mummified remains of the resident, dead for more than a year, sitting in front of a blaring television set. The 70-year-old Hampton Bays, New York resident, identified as Vincenzo Ricardo, appeared to have died of natural causes. Police said his body was discovered when they went to the house to investigate a report of a burst water pipe.
“You could see his face. He still had hair on his head,” Newsday quoted morgue assistant Jeff Bacchus as saying. The home’s low humidity had preserved the body.
Officials could not explain why the electricity had not been turned off considering Ricardo had not been heard from since December 2005. Neighbors said when they had not seen Ricardo, who was diabetic and had been blind for years, they assumed he was in the hospital or a long-term care facility.
- The TV was probably tuned to “American Idol.” See, that shit will kill you. If he was blind, why was he watching TV, anyway?
Portland, OR- A snorkeler who was shot in the head after he was apparently mistaken for a swimming rodent was in good condition after surgery. John William Cheesman, 44, of Springfield, underwent eight hours of surgery at Oregon Health & Science University Hospital in Portland to remove shrapnel and bone fragments from his face, according to his wife, Shelley Cheesman.
William Roderick, 60, of Reedsport, has been charged with assault, being a felon in possession of a firearm and possession of methamphetamine and marijuana. He was being held in the county jail. Roderick told deputies he thought Cheesman was a nutria swimming in the Smith River near Reedsport, about 90 miles southwest of Eugene, and shot him with a .22-caliber rifle, police said.
Cheesman, an avid diver, was in the river looking at different species of fish, his wife said. He swam to the shore and yelled for help. Roderick and another man came to his aid in a boat, called 911 and drove Cheesman to an ambulance.
- Drugs make you do stupid shit.
And, finally . . .
New York, NY- Editors at The Associated Press wanted to see if anyone noticed that they hadn’t run any “news” items about PH (naming her, fully, would only contribute to the quagmire) for an entire week, recently. None of the thousands of media outlets that rely upon the AP bothered to inquire about the vapid celebutante – winner of innumerable Pop Tart of the Week awards.
All media of PH, BS, ANS and the like should be relegated to the domain name www.stupidshit.com. I’m sure I could find something else to blog about.
- Stupid shits make you wanna do drugs.
Everyone needs a vice. My advice is: If it makes you do stupid shit, then stay home before you do it. Better yet, have a Fucktard Wrangler nearby to keep a close eye on you.
I’ve got a few stupid stories of my own and, thankfully, I survived them. Now, my main vices are the occasional mocha latte and chocolate. They’ve never made me do any stupid shit.
The Kat
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